From 642 Things to Write About:
Your friend calls to say she saw you in the back of a police car yesterday. What happened?
“…You’re fuckin’ kidding me.”
I leaned in through the passenger window of my brother’s police car. “No,” I said, “What’s it to you, anyway? You’re off-duty!”
Joey–as if I’m gonna call him Officer DiMarco like I didn’t see him shit the bed when he was four–shook his head. “I ain’t doin’ it, Lina. I’m not supposed to.”
Crossing my arms in front of my chest, I looked him up and down. I have to say, he did look pretty sharp in his uniform and everything. First month on the job. Not a single stain on his shirt yet. Considering he eats like a fucking vulture I was shocked about that one. “I’ll tell Ma,” I whispered.
“I said.” I leaned in again so I was practically falling into the car headfirst. “I’ll tell Ma that you’re ignoring your big sister who practically raised you when she’s askin’ you a favor.”
“You raised shit. Your ugly-ass Barbie dolls, maybe.”
“Hey. Watch it. I gave them great hairstyles. You gonna do this or not?”
“Culo.” He rubbed his hands over his eyes. “Fine. Just around the block. Get in.”
I tried not to look excited when he unlocked the back door and let me into the car. There was that little fence thing blocking the front seats from the back and everything. Instead I tried to look really sad. Like in those slow-mo montages they do at the end of crime shows when the criminal knows he’s getting locked up and all the regrets he’s ever had flash before his eyes. Joey started the car.
“Hey,” I whispered through my teeth while I continued to attempt my dejected persona, “Can you turn on the sirens?”
“You want me to throw you out of this goddamn car?”
“Okay, okay. Jesus.”
We rode around for ten whole minutes. Everytime we stopped at a light, I hung my head really low and sighed. But in between, Joey told me about the guy who sits at the desk next to him who’s a real stoo-nad and never fills out paperwork correctly. I told Joey that I think Alex is cheating on me. He didn’t like that very much and said if Ma hadn’t raised him never to hit girls he’d be marching over to me and Alex’s right now.
Anyway. He let me out in front of my apartment. I wanted to tell him I miss him and we should see each other more often or something, but instead I stuck out my tongue at him and he flipped me off (but more discretely than normal because he has a reputation to uphold now, or what have you).
And then I got a call from Gina the next day like, “Jesus, Caroline, I saw you in the back of a goddamn police car! What the fuck happened?” and a text from my friend Danny at work who saw me too, and also a Facebook message from Auntie Laurie but I didn’t really mean for her to see. So anyway, that was my chance to talk about the big drug heist I was framed for, which didn’t actually happen; I just haven’t heard from Gina lately and I think she might be sleeping with Alex, and now I have a lot more interesting stuff to say than Gina does at the water cooler, don’t I? And now Gina looks all sad and supportive when she sees me, but she can go fuck herself, that bitch. She thinks I’m brave and a badass now and all I had to do was ride in my brother’s car. Pretty sweet deal, right?
Anyway, I didn’t tell Joey about this part of the plan, but when I tell the story I make sure I mention the officer was real handsome and good at his job, so I bet he’d thank me for it if he knew.
I had a LOT of fun with this one.